“Be careful of the men over there, they pinch your butt” my grandma said matter of factly.
I looked at her, horrified, unsure if she was joking or not. My grandma was quite mischievous. It was the early aughts and I was taking a school trip to Italy. I can’t remember what the educational objective was, but in that moment, grandma taught me everything I needed to know.
Fifteen years later, nothing’s changed. Women still attempt to maintain vigilance over their bodily autonomy. We engage in all of these sacred safety rituals, normalize and romanticize coercive behaviors, and walk with scarring that is both visible and invisible. We blame other women for our pain (some of it is deserved), we judge women for expressions of their sexuality (don’t do it), we create invisible networks and safety nets for each other (yay sisterhood?), and demonize women who are victims and survivors of power based personal violence (the” he said, she said” myth).
This only serves and enables abusers. They take cover in the shadow of our discomfort and call it a gray area. So let’s let the light in.
I acknowledge there is SO much darkness around sexual violence. It changes you. But consent? Real consent? Consent is something that is playful, sexy, fun, erotic, and most importantly, it’s easy. That’s right, EASY! And it also changes you.
We are taught to repress our sexuality while it is simultaneously exploited, our sex education is inadequate, and the systems around us support coercion, abuse, and violence. Many of us don’t have the language and modeling around healthy, consensual sex. Persistence is seen as a strength, respecting boundaries a weakness.
Guess what? It doesn’t have to be that way. You know how you can help? By having consensual sex. And lots of it! I want you to have a true mind-body, orgasmic, respectful, consensual experience. I want you to remember how good it is. How your body tingles. How at ease you felt. How, because of the consent, you were high on anticipation. Once you have it, it makes it harder to truly deny or dismiss someone’s experience with sexual violence; experiencing sexual violence needs to stop being the marker for empathy. It’s a pathetic standard.
How can you be more intentional about your consent?
Here are things to consider when integrating consent into your sexual exploration (and by the way – it’s more than just penetration, mmmk? Kissing, rubbing, massaging, compliments, stroking, licking, etc all included:
- Do you know what you want? What firm boundaries do you have? Where are you willing to explore? Are you comfortable not knowing everything about sex, but responding to your partner with kindess, honesty, and consent? Are you comfortable expressing your consent, full stop? Many of us are taught we don’t have agency over our sexuality, even though we often have willing partners who want to engage with us.
- Are you willing to accept boundaries from your partner? Before you initiate a new level of intimacy, will you always ask for consent, and only proceed if freely given? Even with a familiar partner? Will you always remember that silence is not consent, or that “no” is not foreplay?
- Do you understand the difference between coercion and consent? Are you aware of the power dynamics, even by perception or manufactured by society, between you and your partner?
- Where do you have noise in your head about sex and intimacy? For example, do you believe women shouldn’t initiate sex, do certain sounds, smells, or movements have a negative muscle memory, or are you uncomfortable receiving pleasure? If it becomes relevant, can you express this to your partner?
- Do you have ideas for how you can turn consent into foreplay, play, and post play? How do you check in with your partner throughout the sexual experience (again, not limited to just foreplay or penetration!)? They may be a very talented partner, but they aren’t a mind reader!
- Will you focus on giving your partner pleasure and helping guide them in yours?
- What ways are you comfortable giving and rescinding your consent? How does your partner know that? What ways is your partner comfortable giving and rescinding their consent to you?
Someone might read this list and think it’s too much work. Great, go masturbate. That’s all you’re ready for.
I want you to read this list and be titillated. Read it again. Slowly. Fantasize the answers. Become aroused by the thought of the affirmative, conscious, consistent, voluntary, and enthusiastic response by your partner. Their words, breath, movement. Their consensual desire to be with you and receive pleasure from you. Sharing your desires, boundaries, and pleasure with them.
Consent is a natural interaction that happens between people all the time, in sexual and non-sexual experiences. Truly having a safe space to experience pleasure, whether it be for one night or a lifetime of nights, is key to changing the attitudes around sexual violence. Sex only exists with consent and anything else is weaponizing sex.
In that moment, all those years ago with grandma, she was communicating to me the ways my sexuality was being weaponized. She was trying to create a safety net for me; she didn’t have the language or modeling to really have a conversation with me about this. It doesn’t mean I wasn’t grateful for that moment because I was blissfully unaware, despite already experiencing this weaponization. I had normalized these behaviors.
So have a lot of fun, pleasurable, consensual sex. Please. Shout it from the rooftops next time someone tries to equate consensual sex with sexual violence.
And hey, I didn’t get my butt pinched by any men in Italy. An Italian-American man has pinched my butt many times, because we both wanted him to.
By: Stacey P.
