I’ve had a lot of friends who are women in my life. Most of them have felt comfortable enough to share with me, their daily experiences with sexism and misogyny. A stare. A catcall. A comment. An expectation. An assault. A rape. I’ve written here how I’ve witnessed it. I’ve written here about the ways I was contributing to it. In all my observation and listening, it has never occurred to me to remind my friends, while they’re steeped in pain or being vulnerable with me, that they shouldn’t worry because not all men are bad.
I don’t consider myself a bad guy. Figuratively and literally. I don’t consider my husband a bad guy. I know plenty of men who I would argue are good guys. But ya know. It’s irrelevant. It’s irrelevant because, as a friend is detailing a rape to me or as I’m watching another man stare very obviously at a friend’s breasts or as I hear a man catcalling a friend, I understand that, what women contend with is a culture which tells men this is okay. They aren’t contending with literally every man. They’re navigating the culture of men – a culture that even good men are borne of. And so, the obvious fact that not all men are rapists is irrelevant in the moment a woman is describing her experiences to me.
Because I recognize this, I speak to it and about it whenever I can and whenever it’s necessary; I block men staring at women, I approach women who seem to be uncomfortable, I check my friends who are men, and I check my family [too].Being anti-misogyny is an everyday, all the time, thing. It would be easy for me to say “my closest friends are women, I’m not misogynistic” but I don’t do that because, even though my closest friends are women, I am a man and I am borne of a system which tells me that I am superior to women and if I am not vigilant about challenging that, I will find myself thinking that because my closest friends are women, I have some authority to judge the experiences of women and that is a dangerous path to go down. The inevitable conclusion is I, a man, become judge and jury of what are and are not valid examples of misogyny.
Accordingly, I don’t find it necessary to post videos of women being raped or beaten or assaulted to talk about misogyny or to act in countering misogyny or to prove misogyny is real or to inspire other men to see how they support it. My words, my actions my willingness to make other men uncomfortable has been enough for me. Have I changed minds? I can’t say. Being a man affords you blinders. But, do people know they’ll get aggressively checked when they say or do some ignorant shit about or to women in front of me? 100% they do.
This [past year in particular] has been a lot. I took George Floyd’s death differently because I was having a vulnerable moment regarding my father when I saw George’s death photo. My moment became entangled with the emotion I experienced over seeing the photo and for a moment, I saw my dad in the photo. I’m not telling you this because I want your sympathy. It’s only relevant because it’s what got me thinking critically about how I want more from all of the white people in my life. I’m not contented. It’s fatiguing to be close to you. I’ve had people I’ve known for years, say some pretty racist sh*t so I can’t guarantee that any of you are actually getting how significant this is. I have family who don’t talk about it at all. I have to spend a lot of time judging the words you say against your actions because so many of you are just not conscientious about how you’re being perceived when it comes to racism.
On one hand it’s been somewhat relieving to see so many of my white circle, finally speaking up after years of silence. I see so many of you taking heat from people in your circles. I’ve cackled, “❤ ”, [and] “thumbs up” at so many posts. On the other hand, some of you, regardless of intention, are still missing the mark.
Earlier I talked about how irrelevant it is for me to make the point that not all men are assailants, as a friend details her assault. Let me make this point to you: as black people are expressing their pain regarding the systemic racism they face which may include interactions with law enforcement, it is not relevant for you to make the point that not all cops are bad. Understand that Black people are aware that we aren’t contending with literally every individual cop. But we are contending with a system that does not hold our lives as equal. Black people are navigating a culture of racism. One which even good people who are police officers are borne of. And so, the obvious fact that not all cops are bad people, is absolutely irrelevant while Black people are raging over their collective experiences.
It’s clear that some of you think that because you’re good people or because you don’t use certain language or because your closest friend is Black, this rage doesn’t apply to you.
Earlier I spoke about how I see myself as a good guy but admitted that I still need to be vigilant about checking my privilege. Let me make this point to you: First, you might be a good person. If you’re reading this, I at least think you’re decent. But, the rage absolutely applies to you. I don’t care how many Facebook posts you’ve written, how Black your husband is or that your best friend from high school is Black and their kids call you aunt/uncle. You are white. You are part of a system which tells you that Black lives aren’t as valuable, that Black minds aren’t as valuable. You are inescapably part of this system and no amount of reading, loving, F*cking or writing will change the fact that you have received these messages your entire life. That you are coming from a place of trying to “other” bad white people means you have not been vigilant about challenging yourself and are seeking to scapegoat vocal racist people. When we make ourselves morally superior to people, we find reasons not to engage them and not to recognize any similarities between us and them. There is no “you” and “them.” They are white. You are white. You have everything relevant in common.
Earlier I spoke about how my words and actions and my willingness to make other men uncomfortable has been enough. Let me make this point to you, with a caveat. I personally do not believe the price of publicly showing black people in their last moments for barely an inkling of registered emotional impact from white people, is worth it. It’s too damn high. You know what death is. You know what fear is. The people in your circles know what death is. They know what fear is. For what it’s worth, I think it’s far more effective for you to be WITH the person or people you want to see it and that this should take place privately and you should immediately engage them on-the-spot. It is easy for people to casually disregard what they see online. It is not easy for them to do so when they are being confronted by someone from their own group, in person.
In my opinion, your willingness to constantly, vigilantly, obsessively make other white people uncomfortable whenever and wherever possible is more impactful. You are disrupting their thoughts. You are shattering white social norms which place peace and civility above literally everything else – except maybe money. You are forcing them to confront these things. You are making them think twice about saying ignorant shit. You are letting them know you have a problem. You are forcing them to reconcile their ignorance with your very visible anger. Express your outrage on Facebook. I love to see it. But you better be repeating those same messages to your family, friends, coworkers, lovers, gamer friends, yoga buddies, dog park friends and to every Karen you ever meet in your entire life — when necessary. That’s where the work for you is. It isn’t in spectating (or inviting spectatorship to) death. It’s in committing to be disruptive and then actually disrupting every single goddamn white space you can, whenever you can.
Here’s the caveat. As a man, I know how easy it is to slip into not seeing what women go through. I know that I am able to ignore that should I choose to and I know that shock is an effective way to wake people up and so I get that it’s easy for white people to do this and I get the desire to shock them. My point is, when it comes to publicizing dying, the people who see that shit and don’t value Black lives, won’t after they see it. They will find a way to justify it: not all cops, shouldn’t have resisted, whatever.
I mean, can you honestly think of one person who was racist, saw a video and then wasn’t racist? Or, less sensational, can you honestly think of a person who was totally unaware of racism, saw a video and was like “wow, I never knew this was a thing.” Because, I honestly cannot and I am surrounded by whiteness. Even when someone is emotionally impacted, the video does not do the job of getting them to challenge themselves. The “aha” moments were produced by white people challenging other white people. By sometimes laying it all on the line. I want to shift the burden off of dead black bodies and onto white people. I feel like the video is an out and I don’t want to keep having these emotional transactions with white people which require me to give up the most vulnerable parts of myself for crumbs.
I’ll end by saying #BlackLivesMatter. This is a refrain not only for the systems which diminish us or the ignorant white people who counter with the philosophically obtuse phrase, all lives matter, [or blue lives matter]. It’s also for us. For black people who are sometimes compelled to ask “don’t I matter?” in moments of rage or contempt or sadness or desperation. You matter.
Feature By: Clayton P. Carroll II
